Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Fußless Moose

I wrote this post some weeks back. Notebook lets me get some thoughts onto paper that I can bring to you later through the glories of cut and paste. It does, however, mean that posts don't necessarily reflect how I am feeling this instant, which is shockingly enough, ok. Subject to change with about 4,5 seconds notice.

Well some people gave me a great deal to chew on over the past few days. One, because it sounds like she's got some things sorted out and is happier for it - and that is fabulous, and I wish her much continued success. Another, because she pointed out that despite a great partner and tremendous talents, this expat cosa nostra is a hard, hard row to hoe even after many, many years.

We just celebrated our first legal anniversary. Beating the German state into acknowledging you on any level is an achievement - so it's worth celebrating. My guy is great. I got such a deal, but work has continued to be unspeakable. It probably isn't as bad as I am making it out to be, but my job went from the monster that at my evenings and weekends to a place where there is nothing to do. I envision the axe over my head and the replacements lined up for hire, although this may not be a reflection of reality.

I left the best job ever - a job with its problems, like any other job, but I job I was really proud of, and I came to Germany for some other guy, who though still my friend, decided that I wasn't all that and a bag of chips. I still won't hear anyone talk smack about him, but I have come to believe he was right and been glad that he was brave enough to make an unpleasant decision. He also hung around long enough for me to get my life in order, for which I am also eternally greatful.

But here I am with a job I can't be proud of and can't enjoy. At least if I worked in a cafe, I could enjoy it. And people who love me advising me to leave the career I worked so hard for so long and tutor or something and I feel completely at sea and I wonder when I will get my footing again (Fuß fassen).

The thing to do is to get up off my proverbial you-know-what and face the pain of potential rejection by finding some more companies to apply to. Why can't I wake up as Pollyanna?

2 comments:

Mike B said...

I decided to face the music and dance, quitting what might be my last job (because I am "older" and more "expensive") in Germany rather than letting it lead me down the path to personal self-destruction. If the job is getting you down, get busy looking for another. If it's really getting you down, you might want to simply get out of there.

Michelle said...

When the time is right you will motivated and make the next move. Sometimes it means staying and sometimes it means going but only until you reach the right moment does everything line up and the next step becomes obvious.